i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
