No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
