____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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