I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
