Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
