His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
