Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
