I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
