i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Randomize
