I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
