yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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