DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
