The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
