I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
