I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
