you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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