yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Randomize
