When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
