not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
