Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You pole danced in your parka.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
