I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
