There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
