I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
