mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
