I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
