Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
