wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
