After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
