Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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