She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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