look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
