I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
