Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
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