I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
