I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
