Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
