good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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