Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
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