he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
