Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
