This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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