Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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