he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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