6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
