I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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