I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
