that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
