I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
false alarm, still single
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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