I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
