Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
